Tuesday, December 30, 2008

I'm Feeling Out Of Sorts

Hello Everyone,

Well it's been a few days since I've got to post. Saturday I went to post a blog and my modem from the cable company was dead. So I had to wait til Monday to get a new one. Also, on Saturday my son-in-law Josh's grandfather passed away. Josh's grandmother just passed away on November 11th. I guess the good thing is that after 58 years of marriage they are back together again and are with the Lord. It is a hard time for the family so everyone please keep them in your prayers.

I have been a little emotional since yesterday. I am never emotional. I never wear my feelings on my sleeve and I am just not use to this feeling. I have been uncomfortable with myself because of it.

I don't know if it is because they played two of the songs that they played at my grandfather's funeral at Josh's grandfather's funeral. Or if it's because today is the 4 year anniversary of my grandmother's death.

My grandparents were the only ones that were ever really there for me and my siblings. They were our only grandparents as my father was an orphan. My grandmother always said that she felt like she always had to do more for us because of that fact. I think it was because she knew we really needed them more. I have found myself thinking about them constantly the last two days. I guess I am just really really missing them.

Also last night I ran into my daughter's aunt on her real father's side. I enjoyed seeing her and her daughter. They had came to my grandson's birthday party back in October and I have always enjoyed talking to and seeing her. But last night she also had my daughter's half sister with her.

I seen her and knew immediately who she was. I think she must've knew me too. She's probably seen pictures of me on my daughter's myspace. I know after the hugs and hellos she knew who I was. We made eye contact but I didn't speak to her. My gut told me not to and last time I didn't listen to my gut about talking to someone I absolutely regretted it. So I didn't speak to her. Afterwards I wondered if I should have at least said hello. After that last incident (not involving any of these people) I will always follow my gut feeling.

Let me give you a little background. I met my daughter's father when I was 19 and he was 25. We were together about a year when I found out I was pregnant (we weren't married). I was very much in love with him and I thought he was in love with me. The way he treated me was like gold. I was flabbergasted how he acted after I got pregnant. Long story short after several letters back and forth and a trip to the courthouse I have never spoke to him since. I had a relationship with his parents until my daughter was 6 and I wanted child support. They stopped having anything to do with my daughter. They also ended up paying the child support. That's what a great person this guy is. Did I mention that his parents were preachers? I know they're not reasponsible for his actions but they are for their actions towards my daughter.

Well by the time I filed for child support he had his third child out of wedlock and they married before the fourth one came along. This is the daughter I seen last night. He had one daughter with me, a son with another lady, a son and a daughter with his now divorced wife. After I was pregnant I found out that he had had all kinds of indiscretions with at least four other women while we were together. I was young, in love, dumb, stupid and blind!

His two children just found out about my daughter about two years ago. All of their lives they have been lied to. They had no idea my daughter or their other half brother even existed. I just can't imagine lying to my child her entire life. My daughter has known the truth always. She's known about all her aunts, uncles, cousins and her half-siblings. I just feel like the truth always comes out and it's better to be truthful than to be deceiving.

So I went into all of that background so that I could tell you that his children should have no ill feelings toward me, my daughter or their other half brother. All of this happened years before their dad ever met their mom. I didn't really want to speak to her because I wasn't sure how she would react to me speaking to her. Does that even make sense? At any rate, I am still wondering if me not speaking to her was the right thing to do. I hope she didn't feel like I was ignoring her. Not to mention that her aunt didn't introduce us and I am sure it is because she didn't really know what to do either. After all she still has to deal with her father.

Which brings me back to my feelings. It's never bothered me running into anyone that was connected to me and my daughter's father. But seeing his other daughter has really brought back a lot of the feelings I went through back then. I thought I had dealt with all of them but for some reason last night and today I have literally been on the verge of tears. I am not understanding why.

Why in the world am I feeling these hurt feelings all over again? It has been 24 years since I have even talked to this jerk. I was so hurt by him that it took me until my daughter was 7 years old before I even wanted to date again. I love my husband and he is my best friend. After talking to him about this I am still feeling emotional. My husband is my daughter's father. He is the one that has raised her and he is the one she refers to as her father. I am grateful and thankful that he thinks of her as his daughter too. But I don't understand how my daughter's 15 year old half sibling had such an emotional effect on me.

I have also been reflecting on this past year. Let me tell you from May until about November I was ready to blow a fuse. It was a hard time for my family and there were times when I could have just ripped into someone. I also have been receiving hang ups like 6 or 7 times a day since October and it is still going on. I guess I should be flattered by this persons attentions. I really wish that they would get a life though.

I didn't mean for this post to be so long. I hope that I feel better in the morning because like I said feeling emotional is not me and I so like being me.

Your Merry Christmas may depend on what others do for you. But your Happy New Year depends on what you do for others.

Have a blessed day!

1 comment:

Melissa Wertz said...

Oh Val. My dad was like that. He was married to my mom. My sister's 2nd husband was like that too! They never had any children though and were not married long.

I am sorry you had and have to go through that. B/c of your DD, you will always have that connection. You have moved on. Occasionally, when we get our age and hormones start changing, we start feeling things and wonder where in the world that came from. My DH is wondering where a personality change is coming from on me. I am impatient, aggressive, snippy, etc. (I have white matter disorder that caused intense migraines especially during the hormonal changes I am going thru and the migraines are worse than they have ever been. I am on a preventative that is supposed to alter moods, etc. LOL! DH looked it up. It is supposed to make one more sedate, calm, stupefied. LOL! The neur said, "well she is not in constant pain and pain can make you very foggy..." DH said this stuff has made my mind as sharp as a tack, my tongue too! Really, the the headaches are not as severe and more manageable. Hormone changes are still there and so are my mood swings. My poor sweet DH and DD just have to deal with it and I need to make sure I bit my tongue and not take emotions out on them. He did say I am not as bad as when I was on fertility drugs. DD says I cry while watching movies, even antimated ones. She thinks that is a little weird.

Hormones... That's it! It can make you want to rip a person into or hug'm and kiss them to death.